Monday, March 19, 2012

Letter 618: In a Parallel Universe

You know how you have certain days where you sit and wonder, What would I be doing if I weren't doing this job? Yep. That's me today. Sweating profusely at my desk when I logged in to the college website and made the Columbian discovery that I have to cough up $6500 for my exams.

Well, I can tell you now, that there are A LOT of things that I would be doing if I weren't trying to study for this bloody expensive paper.

A HELL LOT OF OTHER THINGS.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Letter 617: Primary Care

I am trying to ignore that fistful of guilt sloshing through my second mug of tea on a sunny Wednesday afternoon. Days off are supposed to be spent ruminating over journal articles and compiling notes on my study topics for the week, but there's the itch to leave a few words on my blog before March scoots off, leaving me with the jolting realisation that April is only less than 5 months away from the fellowship exams. 

Perhaps I am still recovering from my long call day yesterday. I am now officially the biggest shit magnet this side of town. Every time I'm on-call, there's invariably a retrieval case that I need to deal with. They need the full work-up: oxygen, lines, bloods, ECGs, scans, more bloods, fluids, inotropes, more lines. Sometimes, they need assisted ventilation as well. And then it's urgent calls to the retrieval team to get them flown to the nearest tertiary centre. Dealing with troponin T's in the 450s, oxygen sats of 72% on 15L O2, BP of 50/(unmeasurable reading), BSLs 30 and above... It is no wonder that the nurses have jokingly threatened to call in sick if they ever find out that they'll be rostered with me when I'm on duty. ("You know what you are? The biggest shit magnet I've ever known.") They're funny, the nurses I work with. And despite the exhausting challenges of playing multiple roles at the same time-- general physician, general surgeon, and emergency physician-- I'm actually liking what I do. It's a strange place that I've found myself in. Like tumbling down the rabbit hole and stumbling across a whole new world of medicine that puts delicate lives in your hands. The very same hands that you use to save lives, or prolong death. 

It was some time last year that I came to the stark awareness that I, as a doctor, carry an immense influence over people's lives. This wasn't something I'd ever perceived in my earlier years as being a paper pusher in the hospital, filing away discharge summaries and filling in drug charts and finishing up pathology orders for next morning's ward round. I certainly didn't feel like a doctor then as much as I do now. As a doctor, I am not just saving lives. I'm changing lives ("Well, doctor, if you think this is the best thing for me, I'll do it."). Honestly, this has got to be the scariest part of medicine-- knowing how influential one can be. 

The other day, a handwritten letter of gratitude from my patient found itself to my pigeon hole. Reading it warmed my heart. It inspired me to be the better version of myself every day. It is certainly good to know you've touched a few lives. On the flipside, the weight of shouldering the responsibility as a primary care physician can sometimes be too heavy to bear.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Letter 616: That Extra Day in the Year

I bet you've had days where it's super busy and you can't even squeeze in time for the loo, and then days that just float idly by and you're sitting at your desk, twiddling your thumbs and hoping that your boss would heap another pile of financial reports for you to pore through.

Leap years, to me, seem to be like one of those super busy days-- except it occurs for 366 days of the year. Last leap year, I was busy achieving a major milestone in my student life-- graduation. I was busy trying to learn the ropes of internship, and busy partying my student life away (which I was glad I did because the word "party" no longer exists as a verb upon commencing life as a hospital slave). 

This leap year, I realise I've got another milestone to achieve. No, three, in fact: Getting hitched, building my dream house, and passing my fellowship exams. I have no idea how I'm going to achieve any of them.

Shit.  

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Letter 615: Reality Sucks Balls

When I'm not blogging, I trawl Facebook for inspiration.


Now that I'm working 4 days a week for the next 12 months, you would think I'd have more time to blog. 

Please. 

I have better things to do.

Like play golf study.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Letter 614: The Sentimental Novelist

I have, not too infrequently, re-visited Adelaide since packing my bags and relocating interstate in the summer of 09/10. Whenever I came back to this city in which I studied and first trained as a medical officer, there’s always an equally opposing sense of belonging and alienation. Adelaide, it seems, has become more crowded, and although certain boutiques, certain cafes, and institutional restaurants still dot the city and its fringes, the scenery is slowly but surely changing.

Today, in a rare day back in the city of my alma mater, I got to spend some time with no one else but myself. I took the bus into the city, something which I’ve never needed to do since I used to stay in the city itself. Hopping onto the bus felt strangely discomforting, as if I was a student all over again.

The bus stopped on East Terrace, near the Oyster Bar, where freshly-shucked oysters used to be less than $12 a dozen in my pre-MBBS days. I managed to navigate the usual Friday afternoon crowd along Rundle Street, observing that there were more faces of African and Middle Eastern descent spilling onto the sidewalks these days. Some were clutching their 4 o’clock drinks and getting tipsy already, obviously blending in very well with the Australian culture.

I spent the afternoon leisurely strolling in and out of boutiques, just like how I used to spend my weekends as a student along this bustling strip of shops and eateries. These days, Rundle Street has more big name boutiques added to its repertoire compared to my student days. There’s Zimmermann, Alannah Hill, Sass and Bide, Lisa Ho etc., brands which I was accustomed to seeing in a departmental store like David Jones until I moved to Melbourne, where I came to realise most of these brands are found all across Greater Melbourne, in different suburban shopping strips.

Habitually, I kept a lookout on people I may know. Adelaide, after all, isn’t very big. Sooner or later, you’re bound to bump into someone you know. Yet, having said that, I've always felt at eased blending into anonymity with the crowd. This may seem a paradox but it’s something I find hard to explain, sometimes even to myself. I used to study in cafes for hours for this reason, and although there were times my friends have singled me out in a non-discreet café and sat down to join me for a caffeine jolt, I found this solitary escape very much palatable. It was somehow my little slice of tranquillity in the madness of medical school gossip.

When I explore the streets alone, my senses are always heightened. I’d smell something enticing, and it’d lead me to a café. I’d see a hidden doorway, and it’d lead me to a basement selling all kinds of vintage clothing at bargain prices. This evening, as I’m walking along one of the little alleys leading from North Terrace into Rundle Street, the soft, polished voice of Nat King Cole drifted from a little unassuming shop tucked away at the recess of an apartment building. It intrigued me, as it was past 9pm and the shop was still open (some things never change—like the fact that shops still close at 9pm on “late night” shopping days). I ventured into the shop, and you know how certain shops exude a groovy vibe? This was one of them. It had everything from a vast collection of CDs and vinyl records to a corner stacked with books on architecture, literature, and filmography. A clothes rack stood near the entrance, with a sign stating “Vintage Sale- 30% off”. It was a very cool and funky little shop that I would’ve spent more time browsing had the shopkeeper— a bloke in his 20s with fudge brown spiky hair, dressed in a faded green t-shirt and sporting thick, dark-rimmed glasses—not started to wheel in the rack of clothes from the front of the shop. In a haste, I grabbed 4 titles which I had my eye on (books were reasonably priced), and walked away with a huge grin and a growing reading list for 2012.



Tonight, in a city which had defined my days as a university student, I was back to being my gloriously contented old self again in my spacious motel room, clutching my 1Q84 to bed with sheer ecstasy.