Yesterday, on a perfectly ordinary Sunday that's usually spent ironing work shirts and folding away one week's worth of laundry in front of action movie re-runs on TV, he asked me a perfectly ordinary question. No, scratch that. He made a perfectly ordinary statement. One that he thinks I should agree on. And on many levels, I cannot see why I cannot agree on that statement, and yet on many levels, I can argue my way through a thousand possibilities on why I shouldn't see eye to eye with his statement.
About 3 weeks ago, I was tucking into a plate of nasi lemak with a person who saw me at some of my most vulnerable moments throughout our 2 years of residing together, when he made the assumption that it was my own undoing that I'm still not at a place where he'd been 2 months earlier. No, scratch that again. He made a statement that basically said it was all to do with me. My fault. If all I had to do was say yes, then every body would live happily ever after and breathe a sigh of relief.
I stopped short of stabbing him with my fork. My fork pierced through my beef rendang instead, when I nonchalantly pointed out that whether I said yes or not, it doesn't change a thing. He was a fellow doctor. And doctors know better than to interfere with things when what we're about to do doesn't change our management. It's like, why would you test for EBV serology when the management's still going to be supportive? It's not like you're going to give antibiotics anyway.
One of my girlfriends tried to convince me that it will change things. But I don't see how, after patiently listening to her outlandish disclosure of her own experience that it had changed things for the better, that my change will mirror hers. When you have already optimised management, how else can you improve? How will this change affect me, affect us, and the extension of our selves?
Already, someone's mentioning dates. I dread deadlines. I'm never good at keeping stress levels at bay before time's up. That is why his casually mentioned statement is scary. There's just something I need to take care of before the apocalypse approaches-- that is, to make sure I am confident, and happy, that this will work itself out.
2 Durian(s) Thrown at Jun:
I recognise some of that - the not seeing why I ought to argue/disagree, yet not being able to see why I ought not to either, and being unable to help myself. And the deadlines and the stress. Oh dear.
*hug hug*
Hope things get better, dear.
kenny: aren't we such contradictory bastards? :P
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